A Lack of Color
by Death In December
Summary: Her kisses were like poison, a mind numbing poison, which he had no choice but to lay back and embrace. One Shot.


They had been standing there in their once happy home. They had a life made for them in this apartment along with the promise that they would be together forever and he had to admit for a short while they were happy. He had changed his life around for her; he had never felt this way about anyone at all. You could say it was his first time being in love, love, what a silly word, a word in which he didn't believe in anymore. So when she took his hand and led him to their bedroom he felt nothing… he had learned to feel numb to her touch a while ago.

She pushed him down on the bed and proceeded to climb on top of him, practically smothering him with kisses. Her kisses were like poison, a mind numbing poison, which he had no choice but to lay back and embrace. Months ago this would've been what he had wanted, her back in his arms and them finally being happy. Well one out of two wasn't so bad was it? He could never be happy with her again. She couldn't make him smile or make him feel that sense of completeness again. It was all too late; they had lost all sense of that when she walked out of their apartment door and out of his life.

He was crushed. I mean who wouldn't be when your so-called wife walks out on you to follow her so-called dream with a conceited, self-absorbed, rock star, poser boy? He had gone back to his old ways once the initial shock of her departure sunk in. All he knew… all he remembered was sitting there on this very bed hoping that she would just walk through that door and into his open arms. That was what he had wanted for the first month that she had been gone, but after that he wasn't sure if he ever wanted to see her face again. He drowned his sorrows in alcohol every night; it was the only thing that would grant him sleep without the nightmares. It was always the same nightmare over and over and of course they involved her. He remembered that night clearly, when he had staggered into the apartment, drunk of course, and proceeded to call her. As usual she didn't answer, he knew she wouldn't, sometimes he had even resorted into calling her answering machine just to hear her voice. Instead of his usual routine of hanging up, he left a drunken message on her machine. He practically pleaded with her to come home as he chocked on his own tears. Falling back into the routine he hung up, slammed his cell on the table, and passed out.

A week after that dreaded call he had came home and was surprised to see a red light blinking on their—his answering machine. He was so used to everything in that apartment being theirs. Their table, their couch, their bed, and their kitchen, all of that had been so lost now. He ignored the blinking red light for a while, maybe it was because he had no desire to check the message or maybe it was fear. Fear that it could be his wife telling him that she never wanted to see him again, that she had met someone better, and would never come home let alone to Tree Hill ever again. His mind was getting the best of him for a while and it wasn't until the next day that he actually gathered up the courage to check his messages.

Right up to par with his suspicions, it was Haley, a message from an oddly cheerful Haley. She had said that she was having a great time on the tour, that she missed him, got his message, and that she was worried about him. She had said some more crap about how she wanted to come home but this was just something she had to do, he never listened to the end of her message. He had broken the damn answering machine in the middle of it. He couldn't take it anymore. Hearing her cheerful voice made him sick to his stomach. What the hell was there to be happy about? None of this was making him happy, this was all making him sick. That cheerful voice of hers made him realize how happy she just truly was on tour.

He had given her all of him when they became married, but as he noticed now he never had all of her. There was that little piece of her that she kept to herself, she made it clear to him what it was when she ran off to go on tour. Her love of music was what broke them apart, not that they had gotten married to young, or that they had some trust issues, it was solely her music. She never showed that part of her to him and even when she did that one time, she was shy about it. He never understood why she couldn't share that with him. They were supposed to be married. That meant no secrets and giving all of yourself to your partner, but did she do that? No, of course she didn't.

The day she left him that dreaded voicemail was the day he had lost all hope that they would ever have what they once had, but he still didn't lose hope on her. So he drove to see her on tour, which now that he looked back on it was probably the 2nd stupidest idea in his life. What was the first? Letting Haley get away. He had drove for hours, his mind filled with memories of happier times between the two. He had hoped that if they would see each other face-to-face she would realize what a big mistake she was making, but boy was he wrong.

He remembered waiting in her dressing room looking at the various pictures she kept on her mirror when he heard footsteps. He turned around and was met with a shocked, yet happy Haley. She screamed his name and engulfed him in a hug accompanied by a kiss on the cheek as if everything was still the same between them. He knew things would never ever be the same between them again. After the hug was over was when the trouble started. He wanted her to come home, but she didn't want to just yet. He sighed knowing that this was a battle he couldn't win. He was willing to push everything aside and tell her that he would wait for her until he caught glance of her hand, which held a ring less finger. He watched as her smile faded and suddenly knew why his face dropped and where his gaze was set. She tried to weasel her way out of it, by telling him that she wasn't ready for him or the music, he didn't accept her answer. He didn't even want to hear the rest of her bullshit answers, so he left and drove back home. That was the day he took off his wedding band and was almost a free man.

So a new month came and with every day that passed he had learned to care less about Haley or his basically non-existent marriage and focus more on basketball. Basketball that used to be his dream, you know his one escape from life. It still was, but once he married Haley he felt like it wasn't as important anymore, it had taken a back seat to their needs. It was something he loved and he gave it up for them, why Haley had to be the selfish one was beyond him. Life was finally becoming back on track for him, of course he had become practically divorced, lost a brother, an apartment, and moved back home with his mother and bastard of a father, but other than that things were looking up.

He had gotten into High Flyers and was all prepared to go until he swung open the door and was met with his wife. He was speechless when he saw her, he opened his mouth to speak, but no words had come out. He was so angry with her and yet he wanted nothing more, but to hold her and tell her that everything was okay. He was so deep in thought that he had barely heard her muffled hi. Hi? Was that all she had to say? How about an explanation as to why she was standing on his doorstep, why she didn't come home sooner, and how about an apology for all of the shit she had put him through? He wasn't even sure if he wanted to hear her apologies, he just wanted her out of his sight and out of his mind. Just when he had learned to get over her, she was right there again, and she was making him weaker than ever. As if on que his mother came rushing down the stairs and handed him his bag. Without another word to either of them he practically pushed passed Haley and went to go get in his cab.

The three months away from Tree Hill and all of its drama did him well. At High Flyers they pushed him hard, but that was just what he needed. He needed to be pushed and to be challenged and he needed that time away. So when he came home and found out that his father had almost died in a fire and that they still didn't find who set the whole thing up he wasn't surprised nor fazed by the whole ordeal. His mother was happier than ever that he was back and even surprised him with a new apartment—well actually it was the same one he had, except it was in much better shape than he left it. He was happy again, he had nothing to worry about, but that all seemed to fade when he had gotten a phone call from Haley stating that they needed to talk.

They had talked for hours on end that night, well mostly she did. She had been groveling the whole time, saying repeatedly that she was sorry and that she wanted to make their marriage work. In spite of himself he agreed and they had moved back into their unhappy little apartment.

So that left them here, on their bed, in this very moment. They had moved back in only hours ago and already he was having second thoughts. He had tuned out their love making with his own thoughts. In the midst of it, he could've sworn he felt her tears hit his back, but it didn't faze him.

"Is there something wrong?" She asked him in a horse whisper as she layed in his arms. She turned her head to face him and it was then when she realized the distant look in his eyes.

"No." He lied. She was damn right that there was something wrong, but he couldn't bring himself to say so. He knew things would never be the same between them again, but a part of him was certain that he could learn to love her again. It would take a long time, but that's what he would keep on telling himself. That's what they would keep telling each other.

"I love you." She proceeded to place repeated kisses on his chest. He closed his eyes and listened to her words. Maybe he would start believing in that scornful word again.

"I love you, too." Deep down he wanted her to suffer, he wanted her to feel the pain that he felt when she left, and maybe that was the true reason why he agreed to give their marriage another chance. That wasn't the reason at all; as much as he wanted to he couldn't despise her even if he tried. He loved her too much. She was his downfall; he just loved her way too much.


End file.
